"So, I Wait"

Matt Oyer

It was all just silence, save the soft scraping and clicking clockwork machinations buried beneath an ocean. It was not so much hearing as feeling the vibrations in my body. It was still life, but it was all black. I could think. I could feel something I could not describe. But it felt like I was an aimless soul just sifting through an endless sea of nothingness.

 

Time did not exist for me yet. How could it? The only thing that could even begin to bring it forth was that soft scraping and clicking echoing through me. It would fade in and out in a rhythm I would lose, then find again. It was a cycle. Each time it came, I felt this sense of anchoring. It was like…being pulled towards a nexus but just as I was touching it, would lose it and fall back into darkness.

 

After about thirty-five cycles of the clicking and scraping, there was this blinding light. I tried to perceive for the first time but honestly, I failed miserably for some length of time I cannot recall to just see. The light scared me. It was simply too much. The only thing other than the light was a vague shadow of a man, leaning over and looking down at me, or reaching and touching my face. The familiar clicking and scraping happened again and the light was much more manageable.

 

I looked up and saw his face for the first time. The unconditional one. The one who gave me everything and more. It was like looking into the face of God (but nicer). My God. Smiling down at me and moving their lips. I could not understand anything; I just felt the vibrations. Somehow, their smile and vibrations were comforting. It dulled the fear in my chest, if only just a little. Now I could tell what the scraping was. That echo in my body I had become so accustomed to. It was my God building me, binding me to a body and adjusting as he went. I could see him now, taking these delicate pieces of metal and installing them into me. I could see his hands working upon me, adding more. I could not quite see the results but each piece made me feel more connected with my motionless body.

I could understand something clearly at last pouring in from exterior windows of some sort. It would get dark and then bright and so on. That was how I came to understand the passing of time, at least in some intuitive kind of way. I did not see him for a couple of those light cycles, or days I suppose they’re called. I just felt click after click coming from what I know now is my head.

Then the sounds came in. Unlike the light, it was dull and difficult to use this sense, but I could still hear a shadow of His warm bubbling voice cooing calming, caring chatter that worked to make me feel safe even though I did not comprehend Him. It took Him some time to finally dial in the sound, and I could hear it clearly. It was a tired but bubbling voice filled with happiness and hope, especially as He looked at me and continued his work upon me over many more days.

 

“It’s okay little one, soon you’ll be complete. Then the world is yours to explore and learn of. It brings me endless joy to see you coming closer and closer to being finished. So much work and love went into you. You are perfect and beautiful.”

 

One day, I heard another voice. It had a snap like a whip with a kind of grind to it. Unlike the gentler bubbling words of Him, everything was short and abrasive. It got really loud for a while. I couldn’t see what was happening and that fear had a firm grip of my chest. I felt myself sinking as the loud noise continued to overwhelm my ears.

Now I know it was just an argument but at the time it felt like the entire world was crashing down on my head. It was truly unbearable. Even though I could not yet move, I still felt as though my body was shaking with the power of my soul. Anxiety and fear leaked out of the seams. But then, just as quickly as it crashed in, the door slammed and it was silent again.

 

I heard His long, ragged sigh. Then cycles passed and the vibrations were gone for a while. I was simply locked in place, staring at the lofty stone ceiling of this chamber, warmly lit with fire and floating orbs of white light. I heard the clinking and clanking of tinkering whether it was bright or dark for days on end. When I saw Him again, he looked drained white, tired, and completely worn out.

 

“I feel broken. These heartless creatines are working me to death. I fear that if I do not complete what I want soon, it will never come. I am sorry I left you for so long. I told them I needed time to myself but they do not care. I am just a tool to them that creates more tools for them. Thus, I am indispensable but for the same reason, someone they will continue to exploit until there is nothing left. I know you do not understand but I just need to say this to you now, for I fear I will not have many words left soon.”

 

Thus, over the next three days, cycles, whatever they are, he worked like a madman. Before I knew it, he had finished my body. I could feel my arms, legs, fingertips, the warmth of the fireplace. Everything.

The entire time he worked, he taught me how to speak. I continued to struggle with making my own words, finding my own voice, but in short order I began to understand what he was saying to me. He started simple and continued to build my vocabulary of understanding. By the time my body was finished, I could understand most simple and some complicated words and grammatical sentences. It felt like every minute that passed, I could understand more and I soaked up everything he offered me like a sponge.

 

The time flew past. He taught me about running and jumping, enjoying life with the fervor he was unable to articulate in his own. He taught to me thirst for knowledge and understanding. He taught me about what I am and encouraged me to see myself however I wanted in spite of the world trying to crush me into a particular shape.

 

Then, all of a sudden, he said he was tired and went to go lie down to sleep, something I can do but don’t need to do. So, I sat with him to watch over him. He bedded down in his modest sleeping rack and bundled up. Before falling asleep he said this to me.

“Do not ever let the world break who you are. It is okay to grow and change but don’t ever let exterior forces have their way with your life because it is YOURS to live, no one else’s.  You can do as you see fit and have confidence in yourself. I know you are good, kind, and warm. I can feel it. Follow your heart, little one. Be safe but make sure you LIVE.”

“You know, I truly love you with everything in my heart and soul. I would say you are a part of me and me a part of you, but truly you will exceed everything I have ever done. You have more potential than I ever did. Being locked in this tower is no life for anyone. I just hope that it took and I can always be with you in a way. Goodnight. I will see you when I wake….”

 

I sat and waited for him to wake up. But he never did. So, I sat and waited.

I sat and waited…